beauty is to be held in the eyes of God. The last few days I have been feeling this heavy weight on my heart. It makes me cry and I can't keep it down no matter how hard I try. For some reason I am second guessing on the decisions I have made for my life. For example school. After this weekend I examined what I am going to be leaving this coming spring. Why am leaving, who am I leaving, and is it my will or God's will.
After Spring Retreat I looked at the ministery on campus and saw what I hold in my hands. It isnt just people it is God's work. I just think, "Am I supposed to be leaving BH? Or is it God's will for me to start over again?" Honestly I don't know. I am leaving a beautiful blessing behind by leaving. At spring retreat I saw all the people there reaching out to God and seeing His beauty and majesty and seeking after it. Walking away from spring retreat made me feel like I was walking away from my newly formed life. How much God has built me this year and strengthened me in so many diff. ways, I can't even explain. The friends in Christ; our relationships revolve around God instead of the world it is so awesome that I am honestly afraid to leave it behind. I don't know what is God's will in my life today. Does he want me at UWS so that I can serve Him and build His ministery there or am I going for my own selfish ambition to be closer to Jon?
The other night while laying in bed, Sunday night, I couldn't stop crying. My heart was soft and moldable. Like the clay God wants us to be. I had gotten home from reatreat, talked to Jon a bit and was then just lying in bed. With my body faced towards the wall, in a fetal position (curled up) I prayed to God, honestly and full heartedly. I appologized, I don't talk to Him that much. Like Jon and I haven't been talking much lately and that has tore my heart apart. Because I love him that much. To God I prayed and said how much I am sorry for not talking to Him because if it hurt me not to talk to Jon that much, it must hurt God much more for me not to talk to Him. I prayed that He would hold me like His child in His arms and cradel me like a baby. And I fell asleep that way. In God's arms I fell asleep. Where I should be. I should find satisfaction in God and not my relationship with Jon.
About my major. Its not mass comm that I want. Jenny took me out after CV and we went up to a couch in the student union and talked. I felt so good to get that off my heart, and a friend that I know I can trust and rely on with my deepest emotions. Also that what we talk about always goes back to God. Jenny is such a blessing to me that she will never fully understand. To cry in eachothers presence and share our hearts desires and wants and feeling felt so good.
I told her how Jon and I havent been talking as much lately and it has hurt me. For me I feel most loved when just spending time with a person. I want our relationship to be centered around God and if it is not; I cant date him. No matter how hard it is. Also we talked about our majors and if they are God's will and why should we do them. She told me that she wants to be a social worker because of how it breaks her heart to see those kids. It's true, she has one of the softest hearts and caring, loving, and giving that I can just see her doing that and God totally using her in it. She told me that she can see on my face the wanting to help others, and how much I love it. I told her how its not mass comm that I want to do, I want to take photos where I can capture the beauty of God in the picture and show it to someone where it will affect them for the rest of their lives, How awesome is God's beauty, in nature and humans. How we cant deny God because of that. I want to write in words descriptions of all of this. Maybe photography and journalism should be my majors. But I dont know. I need God to tell me. For me to Fully Rely on God. I want to be the clay, and God the potter, for Him to mold me and make me into the Godly woman that He has planned for me.
Isaiah 64:8
Yet, O LORD, you are our Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand.
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