my baby sister. pic taken by kaylo
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
you are so beautiful to me
beauty is to be held in the eyes of God. The last few days I have been feeling this heavy weight on my heart. It makes me cry and I can't keep it down no matter how hard I try. For some reason I am second guessing on the decisions I have made for my life. For example school. After this weekend I examined what I am going to be leaving this coming spring. Why am leaving, who am I leaving, and is it my will or God's will.
After Spring Retreat I looked at the ministery on campus and saw what I hold in my hands. It isnt just people it is God's work. I just think, "Am I supposed to be leaving BH? Or is it God's will for me to start over again?" Honestly I don't know. I am leaving a beautiful blessing behind by leaving. At spring retreat I saw all the people there reaching out to God and seeing His beauty and majesty and seeking after it. Walking away from spring retreat made me feel like I was walking away from my newly formed life. How much God has built me this year and strengthened me in so many diff. ways, I can't even explain. The friends in Christ; our relationships revolve around God instead of the world it is so awesome that I am honestly afraid to leave it behind. I don't know what is God's will in my life today. Does he want me at UWS so that I can serve Him and build His ministery there or am I going for my own selfish ambition to be closer to Jon?
The other night while laying in bed, Sunday night, I couldn't stop crying. My heart was soft and moldable. Like the clay God wants us to be. I had gotten home from reatreat, talked to Jon a bit and was then just lying in bed. With my body faced towards the wall, in a fetal position (curled up) I prayed to God, honestly and full heartedly. I appologized, I don't talk to Him that much. Like Jon and I haven't been talking much lately and that has tore my heart apart. Because I love him that much. To God I prayed and said how much I am sorry for not talking to Him because if it hurt me not to talk to Jon that much, it must hurt God much more for me not to talk to Him. I prayed that He would hold me like His child in His arms and cradel me like a baby. And I fell asleep that way. In God's arms I fell asleep. Where I should be. I should find satisfaction in God and not my relationship with Jon.
About my major. Its not mass comm that I want. Jenny took me out after CV and we went up to a couch in the student union and talked. I felt so good to get that off my heart, and a friend that I know I can trust and rely on with my deepest emotions. Also that what we talk about always goes back to God. Jenny is such a blessing to me that she will never fully understand. To cry in eachothers presence and share our hearts desires and wants and feeling felt so good.
I told her how Jon and I havent been talking as much lately and it has hurt me. For me I feel most loved when just spending time with a person. I want our relationship to be centered around God and if it is not; I cant date him. No matter how hard it is. Also we talked about our majors and if they are God's will and why should we do them. She told me that she wants to be a social worker because of how it breaks her heart to see those kids. It's true, she has one of the softest hearts and caring, loving, and giving that I can just see her doing that and God totally using her in it. She told me that she can see on my face the wanting to help others, and how much I love it. I told her how its not mass comm that I want to do, I want to take photos where I can capture the beauty of God in the picture and show it to someone where it will affect them for the rest of their lives, How awesome is God's beauty, in nature and humans. How we cant deny God because of that. I want to write in words descriptions of all of this. Maybe photography and journalism should be my majors. But I dont know. I need God to tell me. For me to Fully Rely on God. I want to be the clay, and God the potter, for Him to mold me and make me into the Godly woman that He has planned for me.
Isaiah 64:8
Yet, O LORD, you are our Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand.
After Spring Retreat I looked at the ministery on campus and saw what I hold in my hands. It isnt just people it is God's work. I just think, "Am I supposed to be leaving BH? Or is it God's will for me to start over again?" Honestly I don't know. I am leaving a beautiful blessing behind by leaving. At spring retreat I saw all the people there reaching out to God and seeing His beauty and majesty and seeking after it. Walking away from spring retreat made me feel like I was walking away from my newly formed life. How much God has built me this year and strengthened me in so many diff. ways, I can't even explain. The friends in Christ; our relationships revolve around God instead of the world it is so awesome that I am honestly afraid to leave it behind. I don't know what is God's will in my life today. Does he want me at UWS so that I can serve Him and build His ministery there or am I going for my own selfish ambition to be closer to Jon?
The other night while laying in bed, Sunday night, I couldn't stop crying. My heart was soft and moldable. Like the clay God wants us to be. I had gotten home from reatreat, talked to Jon a bit and was then just lying in bed. With my body faced towards the wall, in a fetal position (curled up) I prayed to God, honestly and full heartedly. I appologized, I don't talk to Him that much. Like Jon and I haven't been talking much lately and that has tore my heart apart. Because I love him that much. To God I prayed and said how much I am sorry for not talking to Him because if it hurt me not to talk to Jon that much, it must hurt God much more for me not to talk to Him. I prayed that He would hold me like His child in His arms and cradel me like a baby. And I fell asleep that way. In God's arms I fell asleep. Where I should be. I should find satisfaction in God and not my relationship with Jon.
About my major. Its not mass comm that I want. Jenny took me out after CV and we went up to a couch in the student union and talked. I felt so good to get that off my heart, and a friend that I know I can trust and rely on with my deepest emotions. Also that what we talk about always goes back to God. Jenny is such a blessing to me that she will never fully understand. To cry in eachothers presence and share our hearts desires and wants and feeling felt so good.
I told her how Jon and I havent been talking as much lately and it has hurt me. For me I feel most loved when just spending time with a person. I want our relationship to be centered around God and if it is not; I cant date him. No matter how hard it is. Also we talked about our majors and if they are God's will and why should we do them. She told me that she wants to be a social worker because of how it breaks her heart to see those kids. It's true, she has one of the softest hearts and caring, loving, and giving that I can just see her doing that and God totally using her in it. She told me that she can see on my face the wanting to help others, and how much I love it. I told her how its not mass comm that I want to do, I want to take photos where I can capture the beauty of God in the picture and show it to someone where it will affect them for the rest of their lives, How awesome is God's beauty, in nature and humans. How we cant deny God because of that. I want to write in words descriptions of all of this. Maybe photography and journalism should be my majors. But I dont know. I need God to tell me. For me to Fully Rely on God. I want to be the clay, and God the potter, for Him to mold me and make me into the Godly woman that He has planned for me.
Isaiah 64:8
Yet, O LORD, you are our Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand.
Monday, February 27, 2006
what a beauty
Today is so beautiful. It is like 60 or higher (maybe not that high, but it was nice!). I love it. It makes me excited for spring when the trees are budding and the smell of spring is in the air.
My day was made better when I got my grade for my first paper in English 201. I got an A-. Wowzers, compared to King, Reznikov is so much better. Also the paper seemed a lot easier. I think I might go in and talk to him, see what I can to do to get a better grade. I need to get the best.
Also, my foot feels a lot better. I guess I shall see how my wellness lab goes. I hope it is nothing crazy. I feel sick and worn out so I need to rest.
The band concert wasnt bad. I sucked it up, didnt do the best or worst I have ever done. Other than that and taking a few naps the day is now over. only 3 1/2 days until spring break.
My day was made better when I got my grade for my first paper in English 201. I got an A-. Wowzers, compared to King, Reznikov is so much better. Also the paper seemed a lot easier. I think I might go in and talk to him, see what I can to do to get a better grade. I need to get the best.
Also, my foot feels a lot better. I guess I shall see how my wellness lab goes. I hope it is nothing crazy. I feel sick and worn out so I need to rest.
The band concert wasnt bad. I sucked it up, didnt do the best or worst I have ever done. Other than that and taking a few naps the day is now over. only 3 1/2 days until spring break.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Spring retreat
Starting on a cloudy day filled with friends and laughter. On Friday Shelli walked me over to the student union where we were meeting to leave for spring retreat. While waiting I took T-love's skateboard (a little mini-banana board) and rode around there. While riding I fell, for the first time on a board. Yeah, first = worst. I got a huge bruise on my foot, it is now swollen, and I am now limping. I dont know if i sprained it or not. kinda scared to know.
While on the interstate driving I was told that Jill and Brianna were told that they were ganna get mooned by Seth and Dan. They were ahead of us on the interstate so we thought that we were doing good. Once we got past Sundance we looked behind us and saw T-love's truck driving towards us. Oh No! They quickly came up to us. John in the front seat with a camera but the other windows were closed so we were like, oh we might have hope here. NO, the jeep like vehicle that he drives has a back window that can be rolled down. There were two ugly butts sticking out at us as they passed us. Our car windows fogged up because we were laughig and shaking our heads in disbelief. I think that this memory will never leave my head. I heard later that they had done it over 12 times to other vehicles this weekend.
When we reached Sheridan we met up with UW Laramie, Casper College, Northwest, and I think another College from Nebraska. We did an activity where we got duct tape and had to make an accesory. My group made a belt with suspenders. I still have it. That evening after the lesson we played the Price Is Right. I got called up, yes, I almost won. But no, I didn't. It was quite funny. Played off really well...
On Saturday we woke up early, me still limping and headed down to the room where we had all the meetings. We started out the day with worship and a lesson, lunch (we walked to walmart and got a really cheap one!), then we went around the city and did prayer walks, kind acts for people there, and shoveled snow. My group didnt have as much of an adventure story as the others, like one group went to this lady's house and had to help her clean her house then she gave the a "treat" a rice cake with seaweed wrapped around it. Anyways, our group went to a Highland St. (I think that was it) and we walked praying and shoveled snow and prayed for the elementry school that was on that street, all the kids that go in and out and the teachers.
For dinner we went to Stanfords with our BH group. It was good. Brett and I took some pics around there. He is cool, it's funny cause he has the same photography goal as I do in life: to do mission Photography. After dinner we headed back to the hotel and had worship, shared our stories about serving that afternoon. Then there was the lesson, a mission guy came and talked to us after the lesson and it really sparked up the interests of some people who had been contemplating it for a while. Also they did this skit about coffee and used its comonality like sex. So instead of saying sex, they said coffee. Like coffee is everywhere, everyone loves coffee... It
was funny. After that we had a half-an-hour to get together our air-bands for Sheridan Idol. I was in a group called Oooberchick, we did a song from Superchick. It was a riot. Lots of Relient K, a group did mexican song and that, I think, was the one of the best. They were eating tacos as they did it. Also the other good one was the 70's band doing, the Bee Gees. That was great, the lead "singer" had the chest hair and everything. hahah.
After Sheridan Idol we had worship until 2:00 then we were kicked out. During the worship God was awesome! I just felt that when I raised my arms I was making a path between me and God. Hard to expain. . . I also met a guy named Dwayne. He was really cool. He was next to me when we were chilling out worshiping God. Also there was this drunk guy, there is a bar right down the hall, who came into the room and was standing near the doors. He had a beer in his hands but it was kinda interesting that he had come in.
Today, Sunday, was great also. I didnt want to leave. There were still many people I had wanted to talk to that I hadnt been able to and this weekend was just great. I hate leaving good things and having to go back to "life". They told the CV group that Dave Vetter is having Jack Hall, our CV leader at BH, take over the whole thing. So the Headquarters for CV is going from Laramie, Wy to Spearfish, SD. After that we packed up and checked out, met in a room with our school and talked about the weekend and prayed for Jack and his wife and next year when he takes over lead of CV. Then it was chillin a bit more while waiting to get our stuff in the carrs and off it was, back to Speafish, Sodak.
There was more, but that I will remember on my own... Also just wanted to say that on our way back up to our rooms we stuffed as many people as we could in the elevator and we got stuck, it wouldnt move. that was funny, yes, but truly scary also. Alicia and I prayed and then a few of the guys near the front of the load yanked the doors open and we were a half a foot off the 1st floot. memories forever to hold, getting stuck in an elevator, getting mooned come on...
While on the interstate driving I was told that Jill and Brianna were told that they were ganna get mooned by Seth and Dan. They were ahead of us on the interstate so we thought that we were doing good. Once we got past Sundance we looked behind us and saw T-love's truck driving towards us. Oh No! They quickly came up to us. John in the front seat with a camera but the other windows were closed so we were like, oh we might have hope here. NO, the jeep like vehicle that he drives has a back window that can be rolled down. There were two ugly butts sticking out at us as they passed us. Our car windows fogged up because we were laughig and shaking our heads in disbelief. I think that this memory will never leave my head. I heard later that they had done it over 12 times to other vehicles this weekend.
When we reached Sheridan we met up with UW Laramie, Casper College, Northwest, and I think another College from Nebraska. We did an activity where we got duct tape and had to make an accesory. My group made a belt with suspenders. I still have it. That evening after the lesson we played the Price Is Right. I got called up, yes, I almost won. But no, I didn't. It was quite funny. Played off really well...
On Saturday we woke up early, me still limping and headed down to the room where we had all the meetings. We started out the day with worship and a lesson, lunch (we walked to walmart and got a really cheap one!), then we went around the city and did prayer walks, kind acts for people there, and shoveled snow. My group didnt have as much of an adventure story as the others, like one group went to this lady's house and had to help her clean her house then she gave the a "treat" a rice cake with seaweed wrapped around it. Anyways, our group went to a Highland St. (I think that was it) and we walked praying and shoveled snow and prayed for the elementry school that was on that street, all the kids that go in and out and the teachers.
For dinner we went to Stanfords with our BH group. It was good. Brett and I took some pics around there. He is cool, it's funny cause he has the same photography goal as I do in life: to do mission Photography. After dinner we headed back to the hotel and had worship, shared our stories about serving that afternoon. Then there was the lesson, a mission guy came and talked to us after the lesson and it really sparked up the interests of some people who had been contemplating it for a while. Also they did this skit about coffee and used its comonality like sex. So instead of saying sex, they said coffee. Like coffee is everywhere, everyone loves coffee... It
was funny. After that we had a half-an-hour to get together our air-bands for Sheridan Idol. I was in a group called Oooberchick, we did a song from Superchick. It was a riot. Lots of Relient K, a group did mexican song and that, I think, was the one of the best. They were eating tacos as they did it. Also the other good one was the 70's band doing, the Bee Gees. That was great, the lead "singer" had the chest hair and everything. hahah. After Sheridan Idol we had worship until 2:00 then we were kicked out. During the worship God was awesome! I just felt that when I raised my arms I was making a path between me and God. Hard to expain. . . I also met a guy named Dwayne. He was really cool. He was next to me when we were chilling out worshiping God. Also there was this drunk guy, there is a bar right down the hall, who came into the room and was standing near the doors. He had a beer in his hands but it was kinda interesting that he had come in.
Today, Sunday, was great also. I didnt want to leave. There were still many people I had wanted to talk to that I hadnt been able to and this weekend was just great. I hate leaving good things and having to go back to "life". They told the CV group that Dave Vetter is having Jack Hall, our CV leader at BH, take over the whole thing. So the Headquarters for CV is going from Laramie, Wy to Spearfish, SD. After that we packed up and checked out, met in a room with our school and talked about the weekend and prayed for Jack and his wife and next year when he takes over lead of CV. Then it was chillin a bit more while waiting to get our stuff in the carrs and off it was, back to Speafish, Sodak.
There was more, but that I will remember on my own... Also just wanted to say that on our way back up to our rooms we stuffed as many people as we could in the elevator and we got stuck, it wouldnt move. that was funny, yes, but truly scary also. Alicia and I prayed and then a few of the guys near the front of the load yanked the doors open and we were a half a foot off the 1st floot. memories forever to hold, getting stuck in an elevator, getting mooned come on...
Friday, February 24, 2006
only an hour
1 hour until we leave for Spring Retreat! I'm getting more and more excited!!! It will be a nice break away from BH and a great bonding time.
Erin isnt going. I am kinda glad about that. Her and I seem to be "not getting along", I mean we are getting along but I think both of us are getting sick of eachother. We are surely ready for longer break from one another. Its only 7 more days till Spring Break. I have been counting down the days for quite a while now, at this time next Friday I will be headed home with Jon. Kinda weird that I havent seen him since Christmas break. Actually, it sucks. Distance puts a damper on a relationship. Sorry, that was besides the point. There are 49 days of school left until Summer. I'm pathetic, I know.
Tomorrow is Jenny and Shelli's birthday. Jenny is kinda sad. Neither Shelli or I will be around to celebrate it with her and her roomie is gone to Rapid.
Erin isnt going. I am kinda glad about that. Her and I seem to be "not getting along", I mean we are getting along but I think both of us are getting sick of eachother. We are surely ready for longer break from one another. Its only 7 more days till Spring Break. I have been counting down the days for quite a while now, at this time next Friday I will be headed home with Jon. Kinda weird that I havent seen him since Christmas break. Actually, it sucks. Distance puts a damper on a relationship. Sorry, that was besides the point. There are 49 days of school left until Summer. I'm pathetic, I know.
Tomorrow is Jenny and Shelli's birthday. Jenny is kinda sad. Neither Shelli or I will be around to celebrate it with her and her roomie is gone to Rapid.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Geology test number one
Today was stressfull I must say. I had all crazy Tuesday classes. Then the clarinet ensamble at 4:15, then went to CV dropped off my money for spring retreat this weekend to Sheridan, WY, and headed steight back to my dorm to start studying. Now that the day is near an end I am not too stressed. I think I am going to read a bit from this good book I just started and then study a bit more and head off to my nice comfy bed.
I have now decided that I'm OCD. Before I could sit down and study I had to make sure my bed was fixed, clean up my area of the room (its never really messy, I'm a clean person), finish all the little tasks that are due in the next few days so that my mind wouldn't keep wandering off to what I would have to do after I got this task done, and finally I sat down and started studying for my geology test. In all honesty after I started to study the stress started to go down. Just praying that God will help me retain the information well. Other than that, there isnt much I can do.
About this weekend, yes! It's spring retreat with CV. I dont know for sure how much I want to go, ok so I want to go, but is my reasoning right. Am I just going so that I have more time to hang out with my friends or am I going so that I can learn more about God? Interesting... I dont honestly know. Maybe both, I hope. Fall retreat was awesome! For this retreat many people arent going because they dont feel God is leading them to go. Pray that God will bless it and off we go on Friday afternoon to meet up with UW and a few other colleges in Sheridan, Wyoming. :)
Oh yeah! only 8 school days left until spring break. That is crazy that the semester is almost half way over. I am over half way done with my freshmen year in COLLEGE?! WOW!! Life goes by fast but time goes by slowly (think about it, it's true).
I have now decided that I'm OCD. Before I could sit down and study I had to make sure my bed was fixed, clean up my area of the room (its never really messy, I'm a clean person), finish all the little tasks that are due in the next few days so that my mind wouldn't keep wandering off to what I would have to do after I got this task done, and finally I sat down and started studying for my geology test. In all honesty after I started to study the stress started to go down. Just praying that God will help me retain the information well. Other than that, there isnt much I can do.
About this weekend, yes! It's spring retreat with CV. I dont know for sure how much I want to go, ok so I want to go, but is my reasoning right. Am I just going so that I have more time to hang out with my friends or am I going so that I can learn more about God? Interesting... I dont honestly know. Maybe both, I hope. Fall retreat was awesome! For this retreat many people arent going because they dont feel God is leading them to go. Pray that God will bless it and off we go on Friday afternoon to meet up with UW and a few other colleges in Sheridan, Wyoming. :)
Oh yeah! only 8 school days left until spring break. That is crazy that the semester is almost half way over. I am over half way done with my freshmen year in COLLEGE?! WOW!! Life goes by fast but time goes by slowly (think about it, it's true).
Monday, February 20, 2006
President's Day...
...means no school today!!! haha, score. So on my day off, it's time for me to finally get back into the swing of homework city. yep, you were right, I did indeed put off my work all weekend. Great things happened though while I was putting off my homework.
Yesterday was the best! I went to church with Shelli and then afterwards we headed off for Perkins with some of the buds. We invited Hod as he was walking over to his house from church. He is like 30 years old and is going back to school for psycology. Anyways, Perkins was great. Hod talked a lot but it was good. We played spoons (Extreme Days style) Cooper was the sucker that didn't know what was happening. Coop actually said prety much the same things as the kid in the movie. It was so funny. We had a good laugh, so did a few of the old folks around us.
Later Sunday night Shelli and I picked up Hod and Cody followed us over to the Ministery House and we met up with a group of kids there and watched Homeward Bound and Cool Runnings. These kids are funny ones to watch movies with, first of all, John Spears knows prety much every line to every movie and Cooper just laughs really hard, while Brad just makes crazy jokes and pockes us girls..... flirt. . . Hod gets all into the movie while eating his burnt pop-corn. and the rest of us watch in amazement (ok, so not amazement but yeah). After the movie night Shelli and I had a sleep over in my room. It was funny 'cause every other night we have a lot to say to eachother but last night we didnt have much to say. Kinda crazy. We did end up taking about Mormans though. It's really intersting. We also talked about a bunch of other mumbo-jumbo, good stuff.
Alright... I really need to stop procrastinating on my studying. Ahhh... I dont want to do it. Ick...
Yesterday was the best! I went to church with Shelli and then afterwards we headed off for Perkins with some of the buds. We invited Hod as he was walking over to his house from church. He is like 30 years old and is going back to school for psycology. Anyways, Perkins was great. Hod talked a lot but it was good. We played spoons (Extreme Days style) Cooper was the sucker that didn't know what was happening. Coop actually said prety much the same things as the kid in the movie. It was so funny. We had a good laugh, so did a few of the old folks around us.
Later Sunday night Shelli and I picked up Hod and Cody followed us over to the Ministery House and we met up with a group of kids there and watched Homeward Bound and Cool Runnings. These kids are funny ones to watch movies with, first of all, John Spears knows prety much every line to every movie and Cooper just laughs really hard, while Brad just makes crazy jokes and pockes us girls..... flirt. . . Hod gets all into the movie while eating his burnt pop-corn. and the rest of us watch in amazement (ok, so not amazement but yeah). After the movie night Shelli and I had a sleep over in my room. It was funny 'cause every other night we have a lot to say to eachother but last night we didnt have much to say. Kinda crazy. We did end up taking about Mormans though. It's really intersting. We also talked about a bunch of other mumbo-jumbo, good stuff.
Alright... I really need to stop procrastinating on my studying. Ahhh... I dont want to do it. Ick...
Sunday, February 19, 2006
so i was thinking (a little rambling)
as i was sitting here fooling around with my camera, playing on the internet, watching tv. . . (no one is here on this silly 3 day weekend!). Yes, i miss home. But altogether, I miss getting around, seing the sights back home or really, just seeing the sights. friends, family. I want to take every last one of my friends from here, take them home with me. Yeah, that is quite silly. And I know it is not ganna happen.
Also as my mind was wondering through the wonderland called my brain. I decided that it is now time for summer to come. Well... maybe not summer, cause I am not ready to leave school, but warm weather would be nice. The last few days have been some negative number. Not exactly sure how low we have gone, but still. It makes me laugh though cause last year it was -20 which, in my opinion, is crazy low. When Erin and I would drive to school the car had trouble warming up. Cazy!
But anyways... I want drive with my the windows open, wind blowing through my pig-tails (haha), the feel of the steering wheel in my hands, the smell of fresh air, music blaring, and the moon shining down on me and my passangers. Or I want to sit on a dock, staring at the stars with Jon or some other friend, thinking through life. Sighing as a happy memories floods my brain, while we hear the lake humming in our ears. Swatting masquitos and knats (yeah, they just come with the deal). Or laying on my bed on another summer night. The moon light swarming my shades, wanting to get into my room. With my windows open and the crickets and frogs croaking in the swamp as the wind sways through the trees surrounding my house. *sigh* great times. Fond memories make my heart smile and take away my breath, they reach every end of my body; to the tip of my head to the end of my toes.
Also as my mind was wondering through the wonderland called my brain. I decided that it is now time for summer to come. Well... maybe not summer, cause I am not ready to leave school, but warm weather would be nice. The last few days have been some negative number. Not exactly sure how low we have gone, but still. It makes me laugh though cause last year it was -20 which, in my opinion, is crazy low. When Erin and I would drive to school the car had trouble warming up. Cazy!
But anyways... I want drive with my the windows open, wind blowing through my pig-tails (haha), the feel of the steering wheel in my hands, the smell of fresh air, music blaring, and the moon shining down on me and my passangers. Or I want to sit on a dock, staring at the stars with Jon or some other friend, thinking through life. Sighing as a happy memories floods my brain, while we hear the lake humming in our ears. Swatting masquitos and knats (yeah, they just come with the deal). Or laying on my bed on another summer night. The moon light swarming my shades, wanting to get into my room. With my windows open and the crickets and frogs croaking in the swamp as the wind sways through the trees surrounding my house. *sigh* great times. Fond memories make my heart smile and take away my breath, they reach every end of my body; to the tip of my head to the end of my toes.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
A Broke Girl
My friend is a disappearing body
Withering away with the wind
Swooped into the spell of society
She’s falling further behind
Caught in the world’s tribulations
Feeling the hindrance of life
In the hold of hazardous emotions
Only bringing her more strife
A hand reaches out to her
She shyly pulls away
Yet He still waits for her grasp
Patiently waiting for her to pray
His arms hold her securely
Cradling her like His own child
Comforting her in all His glory
He looked at her mistakes and smiled
Withering away with the wind
Swooped into the spell of society
She’s falling further behind
Caught in the world’s tribulations
Feeling the hindrance of life
In the hold of hazardous emotions
Only bringing her more strife
A hand reaches out to her
She shyly pulls away
Yet He still waits for her grasp
Patiently waiting for her to pray
His arms hold her securely
Cradling her like His own child
Comforting her in all His glory
He looked at her mistakes and smiled
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
answering a few questions
to answer Daveeh's question that he asked me last week. sorry it took me so long.
The question was, "What do you think prayer is?" To me, prayer is just a time talking with God just sharing with eachother whats up, kinda like with all of my friends, or a significant other. The thing that I find hard about this is that I make it only a one way conversation. So prayer to me is a struggle. And yes I do think a feeling can be prayer. Because God knows everything about you... He knows what you are thinking and so on. Its hard to explain what I am thinking. So then if a feeling is a prayer than a thought can also be a prayer. Most of my prayers are in my head anyways. I guess you could say that He knows the "inside scoop."
He also asked, "Are we living beings prayer?" My answer to that is I guess we could be, so yes. But I would rather say that we are more testimonies or worship for God. Sorry, that didnt come out the way I wanted it to. But maybe it gets what I am trying to say across.
k- the another person said about my comment about the sobriety test. and then my bad headache. No, I was not drunk... that would actually be quite crazy if I ever did get drunk. Not cool! The thing is I have pre-migrain type symptoms which they think have come on because of my surgery a few years ago. I'm guessing he was joking about it though. I just thought I would straighten that out though.
Anyways. Today is Valentines day. It was cool and all. Would have been better if I were actually near my love. Other than that and the crazy weather, back to the snow again today, today was a great day! Tuesdays are always my most hectic day of the week. I have geology lab and then practice for the clarinet ensamble for band. But it was really nice because I didn't have music app. it was cancled for some odd reason!!! Then lab was only an hour instead of two, we made craters in kitty litter and flour. hahah.... At 4:15 I played the alto clarinet for the first time. Its kinda crazy. Over the break wasnt working (or the higher register). So I prety much fingured half the songs that we played. It should get better.
CV was tonight and it was about being Hott! yep. Could have guessed, on relationships. It was actually really good. The chick told us girls some steps, 1) Go to God. Eph. 3. 2) know that you are beautiful, the depth of beauty, 1 Peter, beauty is not the outside. 3) Have a deep relationship with Jesus... (Seth said afterwards that a girls walk with God makes her Hott.)
For the guys it was 1) be strong with God, 2) Be confident and be bold Prov. 3:26, 3) You must lead 1 Corinthians 1:3, 4) You must be open and honest, 5) Be romantic.
After CV shelli and I hung out in her room (that was totally switched roles, normally its in my room and I am sitting on my desk talking to her on my bed. crazy). Good laughs. Great times, great times. . .
The question was, "What do you think prayer is?" To me, prayer is just a time talking with God just sharing with eachother whats up, kinda like with all of my friends, or a significant other. The thing that I find hard about this is that I make it only a one way conversation. So prayer to me is a struggle. And yes I do think a feeling can be prayer. Because God knows everything about you... He knows what you are thinking and so on. Its hard to explain what I am thinking. So then if a feeling is a prayer than a thought can also be a prayer. Most of my prayers are in my head anyways. I guess you could say that He knows the "inside scoop."
He also asked, "Are we living beings prayer?" My answer to that is I guess we could be, so yes. But I would rather say that we are more testimonies or worship for God. Sorry, that didnt come out the way I wanted it to. But maybe it gets what I am trying to say across.
k- the another person said about my comment about the sobriety test. and then my bad headache. No, I was not drunk... that would actually be quite crazy if I ever did get drunk. Not cool! The thing is I have pre-migrain type symptoms which they think have come on because of my surgery a few years ago. I'm guessing he was joking about it though. I just thought I would straighten that out though.
Anyways. Today is Valentines day. It was cool and all. Would have been better if I were actually near my love. Other than that and the crazy weather, back to the snow again today, today was a great day! Tuesdays are always my most hectic day of the week. I have geology lab and then practice for the clarinet ensamble for band. But it was really nice because I didn't have music app. it was cancled for some odd reason!!! Then lab was only an hour instead of two, we made craters in kitty litter and flour. hahah.... At 4:15 I played the alto clarinet for the first time. Its kinda crazy. Over the break wasnt working (or the higher register). So I prety much fingured half the songs that we played. It should get better.
CV was tonight and it was about being Hott! yep. Could have guessed, on relationships. It was actually really good. The chick told us girls some steps, 1) Go to God. Eph. 3. 2) know that you are beautiful, the depth of beauty, 1 Peter, beauty is not the outside. 3) Have a deep relationship with Jesus... (Seth said afterwards that a girls walk with God makes her Hott.)
For the guys it was 1) be strong with God, 2) Be confident and be bold Prov. 3:26, 3) You must lead 1 Corinthians 1:3, 4) You must be open and honest, 5) Be romantic.
After CV shelli and I hung out in her room (that was totally switched roles, normally its in my room and I am sitting on my desk talking to her on my bed. crazy). Good laughs. Great times, great times. . .
Saturday, February 11, 2006
the mask of disguise
Jenny and I had some fun tonight. We went to walmart and got the face wash mud stuff, whatever ma call it. We then proceeded to run down the hall very quickly so as not to let anyone see our faces with this stuff on it (we were headed to my room). Her and I also watched a movie on the halmark chanel and had more fun. Now even though the night is still early, I think that I will read a bit and head off to bed in my cold-cold dorm room.
Friday, February 10, 2006
poem of propaganda
The color blue snuggles around your walk
Keeping your legs content and in good form
Blue jeans are always kept in great stock
You can always find a pair in your dorm
While dress pants are formal wear
Jeans are something worn every day
It’s easier to sit comfortably in a chair
You should toss your dress pants away
Shorts are known to be a bit showy
But jeans cover your legs quite well
Keeping you warm when outside is snowy
And I do have say, “they look quite swell”
Wear you jeans and you will enjoy life
Take ever opportunity to show the color blue
With jeans you will find no strife
The jeans attire fits all of you
(this poem was written for my comp class. nothing special)
Keeping your legs content and in good form
Blue jeans are always kept in great stock
You can always find a pair in your dorm
While dress pants are formal wear
Jeans are something worn every day
It’s easier to sit comfortably in a chair
You should toss your dress pants away
Shorts are known to be a bit showy
But jeans cover your legs quite well
Keeping you warm when outside is snowy
And I do have say, “they look quite swell”
Wear you jeans and you will enjoy life
Take ever opportunity to show the color blue
With jeans you will find no strife
The jeans attire fits all of you
(this poem was written for my comp class. nothing special)
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
the hump of the week
wednesday is already here. the busiest days of the week are over. thank God! monday's band wasnt bad. actually i feel like i am getting back into the swing of things on the clarinet. yesterday was the geology lab and that got done an hour early because it wasnt too hard. then at 4:15 i had to go to Meier and meet up for a clarinet ensamble. Mr. Hahn got there late because he was busy doing something else and then when he finally got there he had to find some music for us to look at. then we practiced a few of the songs. i might play the alto clarinet for the ensamble which means that Mr. Hahn has to get the alto fixed and i have to fool around with it. i am actually really excited about that. i hope i can do it. i like not playing the same instrament as everyone else. that would also mean that i have played 4 instraments in band. not too bad!
last night was also Fuel. they talked about prayer and how everyone has a different prayer style. i was really encouraged by that because i have trouble praying, and what they talked about was something i really needed to hear. after CV i went up to my room and called Jon. No answer. . . then i checked my email and got another one from Dan so I decided just to call him. I guess he is making a record. that is really awesome. exciting.
Shelli then came in to my room and we hung out until around midnight. She is a riot. that girl, oh my gosh. we prety much laughed the whole time. the pic that you
see under this is from our time together. one thing was i almost got myself to start crying. i was just laying it on her. how much she has hurt me and how much i love her (all being sarcastic acting, it was good. i should be an actor... j/k). as i was walking her down to her room she tripped on the last step and i almost tumbled over her. oh my that was sad. and that is how my days have been going, busy but all in all good. time is going quickly!
last night was also Fuel. they talked about prayer and how everyone has a different prayer style. i was really encouraged by that because i have trouble praying, and what they talked about was something i really needed to hear. after CV i went up to my room and called Jon. No answer. . . then i checked my email and got another one from Dan so I decided just to call him. I guess he is making a record. that is really awesome. exciting.
Shelli then came in to my room and we hung out until around midnight. She is a riot. that girl, oh my gosh. we prety much laughed the whole time. the pic that you
see under this is from our time together. one thing was i almost got myself to start crying. i was just laying it on her. how much she has hurt me and how much i love her (all being sarcastic acting, it was good. i should be an actor... j/k). as i was walking her down to her room she tripped on the last step and i almost tumbled over her. oh my that was sad. and that is how my days have been going, busy but all in all good. time is going quickly!
Sunday, February 05, 2006
sobriety test
this evening we (jenny, shelli, and i) decided to go to DQ for some ice-cream. as we are driving in the snowy weather we passed a cop car that had a few other cars next to it in the middle of the street. we didnt see any damage to the cars or anything. so we changed the subject and went on our marry way and got our ice cream. as we headed back to the dorms we saw the lights of the cop still ahead of us near the bridge. as we drove closer we had to go into the right lane and come to a stop. Jenny rolled down her window and the cop came up to the door. he asked her if we had been drinking, then (since we had ice cream) asked us if we had been eating ice cream. he then said he would have to confiscate it from us.
as we pulled away we decided that jenny had to call her mom and share her "getting pulled over" story. she ended up doing it and her mom was in shock, then she shared the full story. we decided since tonight was the super bowl that they just wanted to do a sobriety test to make sure people werent drinking and driving.
when we got back to the dorm the three of us ended up spending the next few hours in the upstairs loby just talking it out. i love these girls. they are so awesome. we talked about some good things, like jenny wants to be a social worker when she is older and so on... we also talked about some hard times in life, funny stories. i guess you could say that all-a-round it was a good time of bonding. and now, my head hurts, i should get to bed sometime here.
as we pulled away we decided that jenny had to call her mom and share her "getting pulled over" story. she ended up doing it and her mom was in shock, then she shared the full story. we decided since tonight was the super bowl that they just wanted to do a sobriety test to make sure people werent drinking and driving.
when we got back to the dorm the three of us ended up spending the next few hours in the upstairs loby just talking it out. i love these girls. they are so awesome. we talked about some good things, like jenny wants to be a social worker when she is older and so on... we also talked about some hard times in life, funny stories. i guess you could say that all-a-round it was a good time of bonding. and now, my head hurts, i should get to bed sometime here.
disney dance
another sunday has now passed and i have nothing to show of my week. ok, i lied. i have a lot of good memories of this week.
My friday wasnt the jump-for-joy friday. but it wasnt bad. instead of going to the girls evening in rapid i went to the jazz concert in meier hall. it was actually really good, more slow jazz so it wasnt my favority but still good. one of the songs they played was wednesday night prayer meeting. that one was my favorite, you could probabaly imagine what it sounded like. they played a song that i had played last year in jazz band. after the concert i ended up sitting in my dorm room with shelli. her and i talked it out till midnight and then decided to call it a night.
as i said, another sunday is about passed by. as my alarm clock sounded i felt the cold, brisk air of a winters night on my face. the fresh air felt so good, i had left the window a smidge open last night because our room has been prety hot in the night. the evening had brought cold and snow. but still, as i said, the fresh air was a refreshing thing to wake up to. after church jenny, shelli, and i went to common grounds. it is a coffee shop here in town and we had our lunch there instead of our "normal" sunday afternoon eggs and brunch in the caff. the food was actually quite good and the atmosphere was warm and welcoming. it is a place i wouldnt mind going back to. we hung out at common grounds for about an hour and then we came back and dispersed to start on our loads of homework. i worked on wellness for over 3 hours. i type the notes from the power points to help me remember it better and i ended up typing over 70 some slides. oh my gosh!
for a break after my wellness (which i dont think is that good for my health) i headed to jenny's room. her and i fetched shelli and we took a 30 minute break from the work. jenny turned on a cd of all disney music. her and i did interpretive dancing (ok so just bounced around and stretched, but it felt really good). shelli did it with us for a bit, but i dont think she was fully there. other than that, my day is going to end with more studying. i'm now off to do some reading for sociology. my first test is in a week or so for that class. alright, i'm going...
My friday wasnt the jump-for-joy friday. but it wasnt bad. instead of going to the girls evening in rapid i went to the jazz concert in meier hall. it was actually really good, more slow jazz so it wasnt my favority but still good. one of the songs they played was wednesday night prayer meeting. that one was my favorite, you could probabaly imagine what it sounded like. they played a song that i had played last year in jazz band. after the concert i ended up sitting in my dorm room with shelli. her and i talked it out till midnight and then decided to call it a night.
yesterday i ended up hanging out with brad. he messeged me and said he was bored, so being the nice person i am i invited him over to my dorm. it wasnt bad at all. we just sat around and talked, watched a little tv, and listened to my record player. he told me about this lady at the assisted living home that his parents run. he told me a few stories that she had told him. for example about how she met her husband one night while he was on a date with another girl. the girl when they saw her another time locked her in the pantry. when he started to get bored we went down and found shelli and then jenny and headed for Millstone. everybody always talks about the millstone but that was my first time there. after that fun (and spilling nature) we went over to the minstery house and watched the patriot. it wasnt a bad movie, a little goary for my taste.
as i said, another sunday is about passed by. as my alarm clock sounded i felt the cold, brisk air of a winters night on my face. the fresh air felt so good, i had left the window a smidge open last night because our room has been prety hot in the night. the evening had brought cold and snow. but still, as i said, the fresh air was a refreshing thing to wake up to. after church jenny, shelli, and i went to common grounds. it is a coffee shop here in town and we had our lunch there instead of our "normal" sunday afternoon eggs and brunch in the caff. the food was actually quite good and the atmosphere was warm and welcoming. it is a place i wouldnt mind going back to. we hung out at common grounds for about an hour and then we came back and dispersed to start on our loads of homework. i worked on wellness for over 3 hours. i type the notes from the power points to help me remember it better and i ended up typing over 70 some slides. oh my gosh!
for a break after my wellness (which i dont think is that good for my health) i headed to jenny's room. her and i fetched shelli and we took a 30 minute break from the work. jenny turned on a cd of all disney music. her and i did interpretive dancing (ok so just bounced around and stretched, but it felt really good). shelli did it with us for a bit, but i dont think she was fully there. other than that, my day is going to end with more studying. i'm now off to do some reading for sociology. my first test is in a week or so for that class. alright, i'm going...
Thursday, February 02, 2006
sad farewell
Alpha Chi was great tonight (that is the new thursday night bible study). Tim Hightower talked about the parable about the invitations to the wedding. i really am liking Alpha Chi even though it is only the second time we have met. After the b-study we went down into the rec room in the student union. shelli and i got into some sad conversations.
her and i talked about next year and cv and alpha chi, how some other people are leaving, and things like that. this was all while travis and john were playing a hearty game of ping-pong. on the way back to the dorm she said that she is really happy for me to be going to UWS and how she thinks it will be really good. i said, "i am so afraid it will be like my high school years and how i am kinda scared about jon and i's relationship because we have never been that close (meaning in ft. or miles) that if anything happened it would be really hard. i dont even know, i hope nothing would happen," a tear fell from my eye. then back in her room she told me that, "You have my email address and phone number." i replied, "We both have cars too, anytime..." it makes me so sad. we huged eachother and she told me she loves me and i replied telling her the same. she means the world to me. i love her so much. i am so lucky to have her in my life. God is so good to me to put her and jenny in my life!!! life is like a noodle in spaghetti, you never know were in the mix its coming from. (ok i just made that up, but i liked it)
better though is...
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. - Soren Kierkegaard -
and
Life is like a library owned by the author. In it are a few books which he wrote himself, but most of them were written for him. - Harry Emerson Fosdick
and
How we spend our days, of course, is how we spend our lives. - Annie Dillard
her and i talked about next year and cv and alpha chi, how some other people are leaving, and things like that. this was all while travis and john were playing a hearty game of ping-pong. on the way back to the dorm she said that she is really happy for me to be going to UWS and how she thinks it will be really good. i said, "i am so afraid it will be like my high school years and how i am kinda scared about jon and i's relationship because we have never been that close (meaning in ft. or miles) that if anything happened it would be really hard. i dont even know, i hope nothing would happen," a tear fell from my eye. then back in her room she told me that, "You have my email address and phone number." i replied, "We both have cars too, anytime..." it makes me so sad. we huged eachother and she told me she loves me and i replied telling her the same. she means the world to me. i love her so much. i am so lucky to have her in my life. God is so good to me to put her and jenny in my life!!! life is like a noodle in spaghetti, you never know were in the mix its coming from. (ok i just made that up, but i liked it)
better though is...
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. - Soren Kierkegaard -
and
Life is like a library owned by the author. In it are a few books which he wrote himself, but most of them were written for him. - Harry Emerson Fosdick
and
How we spend our days, of course, is how we spend our lives. - Annie Dillard
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
time is going slow
i feel like my weeks and weekends have been going really slow. i feel stressed for no reason, i have been getting all my school work done on time or a few days early, keeping it all under my belt. what is going on. tonight i should probably go to bed before my normal time, 11-11:30, and that is not even that late compared.
sorry, today is kinda a complaining day. . . i woke up this morning with a number 5 or 6 headache (as the docs like to make me tell them a number for how bad it hurts). i'm getting my wisdom teeth so that isnt helping the headaches. also every night this week i have had something to do. monday- band, tuesday- fuel, wednesday- suprise b-day party for jill, thursday- alpha chi, friday- either girls night out or jazz concert. crazy. good thing we are on the hump on the week, wednesday. half way over. i can do it.
anyways, done with that. yesterday after fuel i went to a movie with shelli and a few guys. shelli and i are naughty, i popped some microwave popcorn and put it in a walmart bag and then in her purse. we snuck popcorn into the theater! there is a first time for everything. made me laugh. after the movie i called jon and we talked for a little bit then off to bed. it was weird, for one of the first times ever erin was in bed before me. she was vegging on the tv though, but still. i think that i fell asleep before her. alright, i am now off to engilish class, hope that is interesting. i think i could fall asleep during class. naughty, alright off i go. . .
sorry, today is kinda a complaining day. . . i woke up this morning with a number 5 or 6 headache (as the docs like to make me tell them a number for how bad it hurts). i'm getting my wisdom teeth so that isnt helping the headaches. also every night this week i have had something to do. monday- band, tuesday- fuel, wednesday- suprise b-day party for jill, thursday- alpha chi, friday- either girls night out or jazz concert. crazy. good thing we are on the hump on the week, wednesday. half way over. i can do it.
anyways, done with that. yesterday after fuel i went to a movie with shelli and a few guys. shelli and i are naughty, i popped some microwave popcorn and put it in a walmart bag and then in her purse. we snuck popcorn into the theater! there is a first time for everything. made me laugh. after the movie i called jon and we talked for a little bit then off to bed. it was weird, for one of the first times ever erin was in bed before me. she was vegging on the tv though, but still. i think that i fell asleep before her. alright, i am now off to engilish class, hope that is interesting. i think i could fall asleep during class. naughty, alright off i go. . .
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