ive been thinking

so ive been thinking a lot, maybe too much. sometimes thinking does me no good. . . like lately when i have been trying to fall asleep but i cant stop thinking long enough to conch out. so many things have been racing through my mind. none of it is anything that i can do anything about right now either, so it is pointless. like for instance the classes i have to take and how that is going to work, my dorm life next year, how i really need money (which i had the second interview at walmart yesterday, i think it went well. also tami called me today and said i could work at lake country homes this summer as a receptionist if i didnt get the job at walmart!) the money that is going to pay for my college tuition next year, thinking about jon and i's relationship, and so many more things. its all tumbling around in my brain and there is nothing, absolutely nothing that i can do about it. i have also decided that next summer i dont want to live back at home. i dont think i could do this whole thing any longer. i mean i love it here and everything, i am just ready to be on my own and doing it my way, which sounds really selfish but i'm growing up and i need my space and so on. also if there is another little girl here (lily) i wouldnt be able to handle it. i can help out, but i want to help out from afar.

one thing that i have been thinking about, as i wrote earlier was jon and i's relationship. i'm so glad to be home and have him near, it means the world to me but lately the relationship has gotten harder and more serious. every time I see him I dont want to have to say goodbye, I dont want to have to leave at night to our own seperate places. i'm ready to spend the rest of my life with him. i think that once we get married our relationship, yes, will be totally different but in a way be easier emotionally and physically, yeah i know there will be strains in other areas but it will be worth it. he is the love of my life. i dont want anyone else, i want him. Jon and I have been talking seriously about the whole marriage ordeal and we have come to the decision on some things. a lot of it is still up in the air but we have decided that we are probably not going to wait till the summer after my junior year but do it sooner. that excites me so much, i cant even explain to you how awesome that is. its so cool and crazy to know that he wants to spend the rest of my life with me, its me... wow, he will put aside everything else to marry me. yet i feel just the same for him.

another thing is... I miss jenny, shelli, and shana so much. i am finally crying about it which is good because i need to get it out. i have now decided that i should keep in good contact with them, meaning we call eachother every so often and also that we should get together at least once a year of every other year. I know for sure that i want to head out there to visit them before i get married and i really want them at my wedding or in my wedding, either way is good. i want them to stay a part of my life for the rest of my life.

ok i have a lot more running through my mind but i have written enough, so maybe i will write more later. i'm ganna go back to reading or maybe go on a bike ride or something.