operation misunderstanding

why God, why?
today was sucky. im not exactly too great of a mood. i just feel like being alone and just thinking. reconsidering life.
my mom and i got in a fight last night, which brought my dad in as the referee and also adding a little here and there. it all started because they asked me if i was going to night school this wednesday. i said no just cause. (i dont want to because i have too much of a load to add that on this week. i didnt tell them that though). then they said i should and i just said no. a few seconds later i said that oh no, i might turn out like joe and not graduate on time. i said it quite sarcastically.
so then later on after i had went down to my bedroom and was studying my mom came down all ticked off cause i said that and it was kinda the last straw.i understand that she is really stressed out cause of mya comming and what not. but here from my point of view, i shall share a bit. i fell like mya is kinda replacing me, i chose the wrong college (like they arent supporting me, mostly my mom), im just not hitting the mark, erin is the good kid and joe was the bad one so im just one back off wherever, either my job is good or getting too many hours or i should quit or i shouldnt, my grades are not good enough (look at erins she gets mostly a's), who i am is just not good enough in other words, time now is either spent on church or the adoption, and i dont know more stuff. i know its all not true, but sometimes that is just how i feel. emotion is a hard thing. i dont like when it overcomes you and then runs your life. i have tried so hard not to let it get me but last night it just all got out of its cage.
my dad came down to my room a bit later and we talked. that was good. i love my dad. he means a lot to me. i felt bad that erin had been asleep in the room next to me though. poor kid. i dont want her to be the middle man like i was with all that junk with joe. i love my siblings very much so.
so i have learned lately that i am one to keep a lot of what i think, emotions, choices, and opinions too myself. i decided that even if i want someone to know me, like the people at school. it is very hard for me just do it. i feel lately, and i know i shouldnt, that im just not worth it or not right, orjust not hitting the mark.
all this put together has made me very opinionated. also judging, just like i dont want others to be, im such a hypocrit.
sometimes i just wish that i could go back to the days when i didnt care. i was open to prety much anything. but i cant so i will try to live with what i have and not become who i dont want to be.
anyways my mom did appologize and i do totally understand, im glad she was able to get it all out and i still feel like it is still all in me but i dont have anything against her, she is human and so am i. i love her very much, she is my mother.
i could keep going. there is a lot on my mind. i just feel like ive shared too much already. and i just thought i would write it all down for future reference to how i felt and so on. kinda a reminder. because of this dont think that my family is bad or that i dont love them cause i do no matter what. oh and that is why it is operation misunderstanding. because sometimes life seems like an operations that is or can be quite misunderstood. i feel like my life is like that. hope that kinda made sence.