and life goes on. another day of stress. so i woke up this morning to a fine, beautiful day. then i ate some cereal, read the paper (ok, so i didnt read the paper), checked my email, and other things, like doing the dishes for example. anyways, i got an email from my dad, another one with a letter from the state of MN saying they are going to revoke my license if i dont go in and get a doctors signature. now it has been two years since i have been off the sezure medication, i have only had one stupid sezure in my life (which was all a guess anyways), and it has been over 5 years since i had the brain tumor. i'm ready to be left alone, just let me live my life like a normal person. everytime i think about it lately it ticks me off and i just feel so helpless and just want to cry.
then, to go along with everything else, work is stressing and school is long, and i just want my girlfriends to be here with me. jon is great, i love him dearly, he is always lifting me up and keeping me going, but i want a friend outside of the home. i wish my girlfriends lived nearer. a night out on the town sounds great, if money werent a factor.
next week is my birthday, i turn the big old, way overly celebrated, 21. i work prety much all day on friday and saturday. my birthday will be another one spent at work. i hate being an adult. how about i dont tell any one and go run out to the mountains and get into my own little world again, the one of photography and poetry, the one that has left my side for quite a while now and needs to make a comeback.
a crazy thing, i was talking with this girl in my class yesterday, and she mentioned how nice it would be to just be able to take a picture of what your imagination is making. that is something i totally wish. i have all these words and feelings and pictures that come into my mind, but i cant draw them, i stink at drawing. the only way those things get out is through words which normally stuck in my mind like stop and go traffic, never getting to where i want them to go. or every so often, the green light hits and they all come out into this delicate form that no one else sees, or even knows about.
so i'm rambling; there is a lot on my mind. stop reading if you dont want to hear the rambling.
a dream... ever since i was a little girl and my parents would take us kids on vacation to the black hills, i have always wanted to live in the mountains. i want a house/cabin amongst the evergreens and aspin trees. where the aspins slowly change color in the fall to this bright yellow hue. where the smell of nature blows with the breeze into my home. where a small stream quickly rambles over the rocks and then and swiftly runs down the mountain side. where i could lay in bed at night and only hear the stream, crickets, and the clappping of aspins outside my window. in the winter the fresh snow will sparkle, untouched, in the new days sun and the smell of the log fireplace will comfort me. a place where late at night i could look up at the sky and see no sign of human light polution. where the stars will sparkle and glimmer in delicious delight to my eye. and every so often a stream of light will shoot across the sky, and i will make a wish. where in the night light, i could sit in emence peace with only my dog wagging its tail in the moons magnificent light (like snowy, painting the air with her white tipped tail, the only thing you could see in the night light). so i wish my life was always a dream. but dreams always end at some time or another and then again, so does life. life is but speck in God's eye. i am but a speck, almost as if i were just that small far away star in the galaxy in the makers eyes; left glowing, but barely large enough to desire any eyes attention.
No comments:
Post a Comment