envy

en·vy: painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage 
Envy is a terrible thing. But it is hard to overcome sometimes. Maybe it's because we dream of things that are unattainable. I think of all of these things that I wish I was doing and I look at myself and am aware that I'm doing none of them. My heart breaks at how easily I give up on things. It seems as if I have no energy or motivation to do the the things I dream of. Here is a list of things I would like to do: -can more food -grow herbs -play more games with Addie -get outside more -go for walks -keep the house clean -travel over seas -go on a mission trips -live over seas and serve others -volunteer at local shelter/food shelf or assisted living Sometimes I think, what would it be like to be single? Would I be envious of other who are married? What would I be doing with my life? Would it be worthwhile. Why can't I be satisfied with my life? I have so much. I feel as if I haven't done anything with myself. How am I serving others and bettering others lives and my own? Since I was 14 I have dreamed of going over seas to an orphanage or school working with children and mothers. I dream of teaching the children or helping with medical care. Why don't I serve at my current location? I feel bogged down as if I have chains holding me down and I cant get free. I also am discouraged because of our debt. Money can take over a persons life. Money is a very dangerous thing! I have had this song stuck in my head forever. What am I not getting from the song that I should be?

 Blessed be your name In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out, I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out, I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
 Lord, Blessed be your name

life struggles

Life is really biting us in the butt. Talk about debbie downer, I just want to get out and run away from all this crap. Addie is the biggest bedtime fighter in the world. I feel like if we didn't live in an apartment where everyone can hear and see everything you do that we would be in a much better place in life. But alas, life sucks and we are stuck in this shit hole for at least another year. Addie wont go to bed, Jon's temper is a ticking time bomb. He doesn't have the patience to let Addie scream, he goes back in and yells at her and slams her door. No wonder we have no contorol. Our patience is waning. I just want out! I got stuck in the snow this morning on my way out to work (too long of a winter). Our neighbor stood at the window just watching us. Good grief, mind your own business! I feel like I am being watched or listened to by everyone. I have no out, no alone time, no space to just live like I want to. Can I run away to the mountains, to the river, to the north woods and have serenity and time to reconnect with myself and be reminded that there is a God. Maybe if I could get out in nice weather and get some time to myself just to drive around and take pics. I need time to myself.

fantasy baseball pic

Long Days

Life has me thinking. I keep wondering if I have made the right decisions. Why did I decide to do this or that? How did I choose to go after the man I married and not some other person? Why have I changed so much? Am I still the same person? We are living in Fargo, ND. Boy, I never imagined myself living here. I'm working as a phlebotomist at a hospital in town. Not exactly my dream job. What happened to my childhood dreams? Was what I thought adulthood held untrue? About life: You know what bugs me the most? It's when people want to talk all about themselves but give no care to what you have to say or about your life. Life and relationships are about hearing each other out, having compassion, and much more. I guess I just feel that I am being snuffed out in life. I go to work everyday. Everyone wants to be heard and doesn't want to listen. My goals and passions mean nothing to others. So how could I be as much of an influence to others as I had thought one day I could. People's cold hearts are bitter and selfish. It is all about themselves. I miss the friendships I once had. Laughter and happiness. I wish I could go back in time and figure some things out. Or at least ask people questions about the past.

10th Aniversary Plans

I have been growing my hair out since the day I found out I was pregnant over a year ago. The decision to grow it out was because I never know what to do with my hair and I heard that while you are pregnant your hair grows faster because of hormones. I then decided that after my hair gets long enough I will cut it for charity. Today I was searching for different charities besides Locks of Love. I found this one:


Wigs For Kids

They seem to be a great nonprofit organization that donates the hair to a child that could not otherwise get a wig. Fact: it takes 20-30 hair donations to create one single wig.

My decision to donate my hair is official. The date I will cut it is the 10th anniversary of my brain tumor. That is if my hair is long enough. As of today my hair is 10.5 inches. The requirement is 12 inches. So, on 10 anniversary of being tumor free I plan on chopping off my hair. If anyone would like to donate money for me to send along with my hair that would be greatly appreciated, just contact me or go onto the Wigs for Kids website.

Check out my story Carrie Totushek Photography Blog

Angels are Perfect

Jon said, "What's wrong Addie?"
Sarah Titcombe's reply, "Nothings wrong. She's an angel, and angels are perfect."

Conversation from Jake and Kara's wedding.

1st Pizza order

Jon and I are ordering a pizza delivery. This is the 1st time in our 5 yr marriage that we have done this. I think this is my 1st time period. Wow.

my baby is going to crawl

I am going to crawl

yes mommy, I am next to crawl...

My baby is going to crawl any minute now. She is already slithering all over the floor and will probably have the crawling thing down by the end of the week. I am so excited but a bit worried. We will have to keep that floor spic-n-span! I can't believe she is almost 6 months old already. Gosh this is going by pretty fast. She will be graduating from high school the next thing I know.

my friend jenny

I talked to my friend Jenny this evening. How fantastic!

Posting

I really need to post more often. I think of things that I would like to post so I can remember them and then I get lazy or distracted and don't do it. So yeah...

Jon just went back to school for his sixth semester at NDSU's grad school. I will be so happy when he is done there and he can get a job that actually pays what he deserves. Speaking of jobs. I have an interview today. I'm not sure I even want the job but we will see. It is as a dietary aide. Yes, I have done that before and I liked it. But that was while I was still in high school and didn't have any further education where I could make more money. I have decided that as soon as I can I will order new post cards to advertise my business and place them at bridal shops and baby stores if possible. I can write that off in my taxes next year so that would be great!

Addie, I am trying very hard to get her to take longer naps. I have read the Elizabeth Pantley's "No Cry Sleep Solutions." I'm not sure what I think and I feel like it is going to take forever to get Addie to sleep longer. Last night she was up almost every hour and I cant deal with that. Though I think it might have been because she is teething. I wish those teeth would just pop out of her gum's already. I can see a little bit of the white and they are just sitting there causing my baby pain. She has slept a whole hour today so far, she is still sleeping in the other room! Hooray! She will probably wake up now that I said that though.

I need to take her 6 month photos in a few weeks here. I would say maybe outside in the snow but alas there is just a light dusting of snow on the ground so something else will have to happen.

Oh Dear

My poor baby girl has the sniffles. Yesterday I worked and she wouldn't eat for Jon at all. He had to bring her into my work and have me feed her. Quite a difference from after she got her tongue cut and could nurse for the first time. She is quite the fighter and has much kick to her.

Oh, I bought a sewing machine last weekend. My pre-Christmas present to myself (one of my wedding clients bought the rights to their images). I haven't had a huge amount of time to sew but I have gotten a chance to make booties for Adelaide and a pillow case. The pillow case was my practice run/reminding myself how to sew since it has been several years since I have sewed. I will try and get some pics of the projects up on my blog here sometime.

1st true giggle

Adelaide's first true laugh was at Scooter popping bubbles. It was super funny. I cant wait for more giggles and laughs.

Grandpa

Dear Grandpa Werner Herman Aarons,

Today is the day that we lye your body down to rest. A body is of this world. We mourn your passing but we celebrate your life and the new life you have with Jesus. Your spirit has gone to rest for eternity with God.
You will forever hold a very special spot in my heart. I will never forget what a good man of God you were, serving your family and the community around you.

Love you with all my heart, your first granddaughter,

Carrie (Anderson) Totushek





Werner H Aarons, 87, of rural Sleepy Eye, MN died on Wednesday, September 21, 2011 at Gil-Mor Manor Nursing Home in Morgan, MN. Visitation will be at Sturm Funeral Home - Sleepy Eye, MN on Friday from 4 to 8 PM and at St. Matthew's Lutheran Church on Saturday from 9:30 to 10:30 AM. Service will be held at St. Matthew's Lutheran Church, Evan, MN on Saturday, September 24, 2011 at 10:30 AM. The Clergy will be Rev. Rebecca Krogstad Interment Brookville-Dannebod Cemetery, rural Cobden, MN. Military rites by the Sleepy Eye Honor Guard. Arrangements are with the Sturm Funeral Home in Sleepy Eye, MN.

Werner H. Aarons was born on May 5, 1924 in Albert Lea, MN the son of Simon & Agnes (Bjerre) Aarons. He grew up and attended school in Albert Lea. He moved with his family to the Morgan area and in 1943 entered the US Navy where he served until he was honorably discharged in 1946. Werner worked for Clements Lumber for a short time. He began farming in the area and married Arlene Jensen on October 1, 1955 at St. Matthew's Lutheran Church in Evan. They moved to Fairfax in 1960 and later to the Bird Island area in 1964. After farming for 50 years the couple moved back to rural Sleepy Eye in August of 1990. Werner was a member of Swedlanda Lutheran Church and St. Matthew's Lutheran Church. He enjoyed farming, fishing, singing, men's choir and especially spending time with his family. He was involved in the Morgan Lion's Club, Farm Bureau Board, Palmyra Town Board, Church Council, Sunday School Teacher and the Gideons.

Survivors include his wife, Arlene of Sleepy Eye, children, Calvin (Mary) of Bird Island, Kurt (Karen) of Nicollet, Charlie (Donna) of Maple Grove, Verna (Keith) Anderson of Maple Grove, Colette (Steve) Huiras of Springfield & Colleen (Russell) Danielson of Fairfax, 20 grandchildren, 6 great-grandchildren, sisters, Sigred Hansen of Farmington & Mary Dunn of Sacramento, CA, brothers, Richard (Novella) Aarons of Paynesville & Gerald (Anne) Aarons of xx,OR. He was preceded in death by his parents, sister, Paula Wildung, brother Charles and an infant brother Derold.

Glory, Glory, Hallelujah

Grandpa Werner Herman Aarons passed away this morning around 4am. This is the song that came to me. He was a wonderful man and I am so happy that I am blessed to have known him. Grandpa got to meed Adelaide a few weeks ago. She wont remember but I will and it makes me happy.

'Glory Glory Hallelujah
(African-American Traditional)


Verse 1:
Glory, glory, hallelujah,
since I laid my burden down.

Glory, glory, hallelujah,
since I laid my burden down.

Verse 2:
Friends don't treat me like they used to
since I laid my burden down.

Friends don't treat me like they used to
since I laid my burden down.

Verse 3:
I feel better, so much better
since I laid my burden down.

I feel better, so much better
since I laid my burden down.

Verse 4:
Feel like shouting, "hallelujah",
since I laid my burden down.

Feel like shouting, "hallelujah",
since I laid my burden down.

Verse 5:
I am climbing Jacob's ladder
since I laid my burden down.

I am climbing Jacob's ladder
since I laid my burden down.

Verse 6:
Every round goes higher and higher
since I laid my burden down.

Every round goes higher and higher
since I laid my burden down.

Not Too Much (plus 1m pics)

Not too much, or is it too much that is happening and I just can't keep up. It is the second I do believe. Things are lacking around the apartment, some things just can't get done in a timely fashion. Though I do try but there are other things in life that are now more important like Addie, feeding her and keeping her happy and loved. Also, sleep is magnificent, especially naps!

Addie is smiling now. She loves when Jon kisses her all over her face and when we talk to her in a higher silly voice and smile super big ourselves. She has been kinda fussy to Jon while I am away at work. He wants me to cut back on hours but I am not sure that is possible for me to keep the position I am in at the job. Also, we need to be able to pay bills though I would love to be home with Addie all the time as long as I had a group like MOPS or some way to get out of the apartment and be around other people. Speaking of MOPS, I am hoping on joining the group through our church. It will be nice to meet other women with babies and just to meet people and make some friends here in Fargo. I like Jon's friends and all but it would be nice to make some of my own friends.