considering smaller things

i started working for lake country homes today. i am going to work abour 4 hours 4 or 5 days a week. the money should be nice. i have decided that all that money has to go into my savings account. i really need to start saving for college. i only have like 15 dollars in the account now which is horrible considering what i had saved up for last school year.

this summer is going well. im enjoying it a lot. its great to be hanging out with jon and my family a lot. it means a lot to me to be hanging out with mya and erin (even though she seems not to care really what i think or approve of my uncoolness) and also my parents, i know that within the next few years i'm not going to be able to hang out with them as much and it will be hard. i do hope that after i get married and move onto the next step of life that i can still stay just as close with my family and friends, maybe even closer. that would mean the world to me. lately i have been thinking about BH and how i do miss being there. i miss the life that came with it and mostly the few friends that God totally blessed me with. i think about them, text them, talk to them, wish i could see their faces, and smile with every memory. life is intersting and with every step through it is added another moment that could justify the wonderful happiness that God has handed to me. even though i feel like i am missing a part of me by changing from the life that i thought was one of the greatest things that ever happened to me, i know that God is opening a door that is, yes, scary to walk through but going to bring me to the place he has strategically planned for me to go. i want to cry... to just let it out would feel so good, i'm not hurt, i'm just sad and extremely happy about life but i dont know how to illustrate it.

vulnerable

so kinda crazy of me to be writing this, but i decided that i wanted to remember it for a time later on in life when i am reading this.

this has happened a few times. for example a few weeks ago when i was in the walmart parking lot driving out to the exit there were some guys going the out to the stop light. they guy in the pasanger seat stared at me, for what seemed like way too long, then the driver stopped the jeep and stared at me also. the only thing i could do was pretend like i hadnt seen them staring at me. there were a few other times where this happened. to be honest i felt quite vulnerable and especially violated. in a way, yes it is nice to know that some guys may think i am good looking but honestly the only guy that i want to look at me that way would be jon. but i dont even want jon to lust after me... that just isnt right.

so i just wanted to write that down, dont really know why, but i feel like i needed to get it out of my mind and writing it down would help with that. but now i am just waiting till 3:30 so i can leave for work and then after work i am heading over to jon's. we are going to head over to his uncles because his grandparents are there and then we are going to watch the fireworks at buffalo days. i wish the sun would come out, it is only like 65 degrees here. cold!, for june weather.

ive been thinking

so ive been thinking a lot, maybe too much. sometimes thinking does me no good. . . like lately when i have been trying to fall asleep but i cant stop thinking long enough to conch out. so many things have been racing through my mind. none of it is anything that i can do anything about right now either, so it is pointless. like for instance the classes i have to take and how that is going to work, my dorm life next year, how i really need money (which i had the second interview at walmart yesterday, i think it went well. also tami called me today and said i could work at lake country homes this summer as a receptionist if i didnt get the job at walmart!) the money that is going to pay for my college tuition next year, thinking about jon and i's relationship, and so many more things. its all tumbling around in my brain and there is nothing, absolutely nothing that i can do about it. i have also decided that next summer i dont want to live back at home. i dont think i could do this whole thing any longer. i mean i love it here and everything, i am just ready to be on my own and doing it my way, which sounds really selfish but i'm growing up and i need my space and so on. also if there is another little girl here (lily) i wouldnt be able to handle it. i can help out, but i want to help out from afar.

one thing that i have been thinking about, as i wrote earlier was jon and i's relationship. i'm so glad to be home and have him near, it means the world to me but lately the relationship has gotten harder and more serious. every time I see him I dont want to have to say goodbye, I dont want to have to leave at night to our own seperate places. i'm ready to spend the rest of my life with him. i think that once we get married our relationship, yes, will be totally different but in a way be easier emotionally and physically, yeah i know there will be strains in other areas but it will be worth it. he is the love of my life. i dont want anyone else, i want him. Jon and I have been talking seriously about the whole marriage ordeal and we have come to the decision on some things. a lot of it is still up in the air but we have decided that we are probably not going to wait till the summer after my junior year but do it sooner. that excites me so much, i cant even explain to you how awesome that is. its so cool and crazy to know that he wants to spend the rest of my life with me, its me... wow, he will put aside everything else to marry me. yet i feel just the same for him.

another thing is... I miss jenny, shelli, and shana so much. i am finally crying about it which is good because i need to get it out. i have now decided that i should keep in good contact with them, meaning we call eachother every so often and also that we should get together at least once a year of every other year. I know for sure that i want to head out there to visit them before i get married and i really want them at my wedding or in my wedding, either way is good. i want them to stay a part of my life for the rest of my life.

ok i have a lot more running through my mind but i have written enough, so maybe i will write more later. i'm ganna go back to reading or maybe go on a bike ride or something.

jenny!

im talking to jenny!!!! it makes me so happy. i love her. it made my day to talk to her. she told me about her job at the local smoothie shop in sheridan. she also put me up to date on her movies and family and so on. mya came in my room as i was talking to her and she said hi denny... jenny loved it.

now im ganna finish organizing some of my stuff in my room and then head off to bed. i have to wake up early tomorrow for my second interview at walmart. i hope i get the job! money is good... i spent a little of my remaining tonight when erin and i went with beccah and katie to go shopping. night-time has come, the frogs are croaking and crickets chirping. the sun is sliding down the horizon and the trees are now just sillouhettes. the day is at end, goodnight.

job interview

early i awoke to the sound of mya upstairs having fun in her fort. ok, i actually woke up to my alarm clock because i had to be to an interview at 10. i know, i dont really want to work at walmart but money is money, and i need it badly for my college payment next year. I got through the first interview, and I think that I did well. They called me a few hours ago and I am going back in on wednesday for the second interview, which I am excited for.

Jon messaged me from work today and asked me if I wanted to go on a picnic with him today. I met him at work and we went to a park and ate lunch. It was kinda hot and windy out. But all around it was good. I enjoyed it.

So I decided that during the spring season I take a break from blogging. I was looking at last year and it was around this time that I didnt write that much. In a way I wish that I would write more but sometimes I just dont feel like doing it even though I have a lot to talk about. :)

Right now I am just watching tv waiting till mya wakes up or 2:30 comes around and I have to wake her up and get Erin from school. I kinda want a nap. That sounds appetizing to me.

back home again

so sorry i havent writen for a while. i feel prety stressed out being back home. kinda hard to get used to everything and all the crazyness that happens here at home. i dont know if i am really that excited to be here. i mean its cool and all to see my family but i kinda just want my own place. in the mornings i wake up to mya yelling and being really loud, i roll over and attemp to at least sleep in until 8. i have been able to keep rolling over and eventually sleep in until around 10. then i get up and something is always crazy. i think having my own place would be great! silence... i like it. oh well, i guess that isnt for this summer.

besides being home i started up working at farmstead again. i like it and all but it just isnt the same as when i began. first of all cheryl drives me crazy, i really want to put in a complaint about her. Nice lady, bad manager. also its a lot harder now that the people i looked forward to seeing are either passed away or went to a different home. to be honest i am really glad that i have changed my major. being a nurse would just not have suited me well. i love the people i work for and serve, but i would rather serve them in a diff way than food. like i really enjoyed volunteering. maybe, if i ever have kids (which seems like a small chance since mya, i love the girl, but she is driving me crazy when she is in a bad mood) i will take them and play games at an assisted living place or nursing home. i think that would be a good thing to do.

now i am looking for another job to add to my list. i need to get making money here. farmstead pays well but only working 3 hours at a time and only 5 days per pay period, it just doesnt work for a college student. so here i go looking....

oh the other day jon and i headed up to superior to visit the college one last time before the fall. we were both going to get an appointment with our advisors but mine wasnt around. he had one with his though. she was cool. she had those brain teaser things on her desk (like rubixcube) and i got one all the way done. i was so proud of myself. jon and i didnt do much else up there because it started to rain. on the way back home we had a marker war, probably not the best since he was driving and all. i feel like every time we get together i just feel worn out or really loopy, which isnt cool. sometimes i wonder why he puts up with me.

so life is good but i dont like being back in the summer routine. kinda miss college dorm life. ok so really i just miss hangin out with the friends and not having all this hussle bussle around me have me in it too. at least at the dorm i could ignore it cause it had nothing to do with me.

hiking with a camera

these are some pics that i took in the last month or so. some from montana, south dakota, the wyoming ones i get to pick up tomorrow!

another day in the soda

joe and rachael at the top of crow peak.

leaving it behind

so everyone is now surely packing up, finished with finals and heading out the door with all their belongings. a few tears have been shed. like when erin and her group hugged skye, saying goodbye. she isnt coming back.

funny how now that everyone is leaving people are lending others a hand. its nice to see people holding the doors and all the parents coming and significant others helping their loved ones.

i'm afraid. what have i gotten myself into by leaving. i feel like i have just been on vacation this whole time. like when my family and i come to visit custer state park. kinda like that, except i stayed longer and actually made friends (although we did make friends in the pool a few years in a row).

may the sun shine, and the bright light capture my heart. the growing smiles and hearts grow larger with every stride. (ok, done with that)

lost in the world of transformation

at 9:45 today i took my last final for my freshmen year of college. i cant believe that i am already done! after our last lunch party with the three of us shelli and i went, sold her books, and then walked down mainstreet checking out all the shops. it was a lot of fun. i love hanging out with her! last night we were supposed to be studying, yeah. we ended up having some good converstion. she told me her mom went out to the west coast for her first year of college and that she is still really close to a friend there. she said when they get together its as if they had never been seperated by the distance. that was encouraging.

i have no idea what i am ganna do all day tomorrow. its ganna be crazy. i am so excited to go visit jenny and shelli's homes and see their family. it is going to be good to see what life is for them bakc home. :)

i was telling shelli yestday how long the trip will be back home from lovell to my house. about 14 hours, then i was like... whoa!! that is longer than the eternity flight!!! that is crazy. it will give me a lot of time to think things over though. it will be a good time. its nice not to have the weight of classes on my shoulders now, weird though cause i feel like i should be doing something.

Sunday showers

Small sparks shower above
Showing signs of sadness
Sorting souls heavy sorrows
Swallowing her secret blemishes
Subtly seeing lives substance
She seizes her sincere story
Sweetly singing softhearted songs
Softly she sways from side to side
Shadows once showing dwindle
Soaring swiftly across the sky

She stains the stars with her soul

a quote from carrie

"A single moment in life could spark a friendship that could last a lifetime."

studying... the coolest thing around! 

fire alarm

so at about 4:50am the fire alarm goes off. i wake up with the lights flashing, the alarm beeping. i looked up, my roomie not getting up. i was like, "erin, erin, ERIN!" then we held our blankets around us and walked out. as erin and i passed the kitchen/lobby there was smoke hugging the ceiling. The smelled and smoke was billowing through the door. ok, so it wasnt horid but yeah.

we went outside for about an hour, sat in pangburn and waited for the fire dept. to take care of it. oh also, erin, the hall director had a trash can in front of her door leaning against it with water in it. i heard that the smoke thing was a prank. what i heard through the grape vine was that someone had put an already popped bag of popcorn in the microwave (which is right on the other side of the wall from erin and i's beds, and my head). so they are saying it was a prank. that is not cool. i decided that i should start a list of all the crazy things that have happened this year. oh and to add to that, it is may 9th and its snowing. yeah so that is how my life is going. now it is time to start studying for the next final i have tomorrow. life is interesting. when i am old and gray and kids ask me about my college years i will have so many things to say. anyways.... studying... i guess i should do that.